Thursday, December 3, 2009
you gotta admit. i am disappointed. but not about the fact that we weren't gonna do variety night. it was the fact that you put my hopes up, over and over again. like i'm a ball or some crap. i really really wanted to, let me tell you, today shout at yous and say
" STOP IT YOU FUCKIN BITCHES. JUST MAKE UP YOUR FUCKING MIND.!" i really wanted to say that, trust me! but i didn't.
i didn't because i knew that they did it, only because of ME. only ME. no one else apparently. i'm not gonna be pissed for long. but for now, i just really really. want to get this off my chest, or brain, or heart, or whatever.
i should've known it was the wrong decision the first time. no body ever ends up happy, doing something just because they were doing it for someone else. i should've thought about it. knowing my own experience. but i didn't. because i really wanted to do it. at that point, i guess i was on the edge of believing anything you guys would tell me. after joining and deciding what we were doing, jess joined. and then. you guys told me to tell her that she couldn't do it with us. cause she had her own act. and stuff. and i have to say, i agreed. and during that time. i guess i grew close with everyone. and i mean everyone. we were close. and together, minus jess i guess.
after a while. it was a week before variety night, when we were standing there, outside the music room, each worrying about the fact that we were gonna stuff up. afterwards, anne said that her and sarah both had commitments, and maybe we should just back out. i mean, i never thought of that as an option really. i thought, oh, we're performing, we're actually gonna do it! they won't let me down! they decided to back out then. i didn't cry. and i smiled and said that instead, it was alright. cause it was. in my brain.
i thought i was fine, but then i looked at jess. and i think she knew that i wasn't. she offered to let me join her. and i thanked her :) smiled. and said maybe. i didn't want to do it with her, it was HER performance, something i haven't spent time on. didn't put the effort in. something i wasn't close to. this morning, she gave me the music. and i told her, sorta, that i wasn't gonna do it with her. not because i didn't want to. because i shouldn't. "kicking:" her out was hard enough. how could i have stand that i went back to square 1? back with jess, as if nothing happened? at recess, you guys were like, oh we're doing it! we're doing it! i didn't know why really. until kevin told sarah that he bought a ticket. maybe that was the reason? maybe it wasn't. maybe it was cause you guys felt guilty. about the fact that i really wanted to do it. again, i didn't realised the mistake i was taking until too late. at lunch you guys told me you were gonna back out again.
and finally. i cried. it wasn't yous fault, honestly!. it was cause i felt like it was my fault. my fault for dragging everyone in this. no body wanted to do it. they did it because of me. its all my fault.
today would probably be the day i've cried most. ever. since year 2. i'm in year 8 now. i've cried at lunch, in the bathroom, on the train in front of public, and even in my favourite place, the shower. its not about the fact that we can't do it. although i am! obviously.! but. its the fact that my hopes went up. my mum KNEW my hopes went up. and i told her today. she said its stupid. and cooked me noodles. :) so even when mithila told me that we could still uncross our name on the sheet. i walked away. because i knew. it was going to happen again. no matter what. what your heart's not in something. you won't WANT to do it. hearing myself, i'd probably regret this decision, because inside i really wanted to do it. but no. so i want to thank you. thank you to mithila, vinu, monique, erica, anne and sarah. for making that effort. the effort of at least trying to do something. even though in the end it didn't work out. it didn't have to work out. it was the thought and i got that. i'm just disappointed that in the end, you guys still didn't want the same thing as i did. and was worried that you'll stuff up. stuffing up didn't matter. we were there to have fun. i would've liked my mum and my dad to see us up there, because i knew we had the potential to have fun and be oh- so- awesome up there. but its alright. i won't say yes again. and i won't go to variety night. louise will go. and she can tell me all about it. i don't think i would want to watch.
so this blog, really. its not the tell everyone else how i feel, or to make anyone feel guilty. i guess its something i wanted to get off my chest. to just forget about it. and a blog to really thank from the bottom of my heart. to all the people who made an effort.
made an effort to make me happy. didn't matter whether it succeed or failed. its the thought that counted.
" STOP IT YOU FUCKIN BITCHES. JUST MAKE UP YOUR FUCKING MIND.!" i really wanted to say that, trust me! but i didn't.
i didn't because i knew that they did it, only because of ME. only ME. no one else apparently. i'm not gonna be pissed for long. but for now, i just really really. want to get this off my chest, or brain, or heart, or whatever.
i should've known it was the wrong decision the first time. no body ever ends up happy, doing something just because they were doing it for someone else. i should've thought about it. knowing my own experience. but i didn't. because i really wanted to do it. at that point, i guess i was on the edge of believing anything you guys would tell me. after joining and deciding what we were doing, jess joined. and then. you guys told me to tell her that she couldn't do it with us. cause she had her own act. and stuff. and i have to say, i agreed. and during that time. i guess i grew close with everyone. and i mean everyone. we were close. and together, minus jess i guess.
after a while. it was a week before variety night, when we were standing there, outside the music room, each worrying about the fact that we were gonna stuff up. afterwards, anne said that her and sarah both had commitments, and maybe we should just back out. i mean, i never thought of that as an option really. i thought, oh, we're performing, we're actually gonna do it! they won't let me down! they decided to back out then. i didn't cry. and i smiled and said that instead, it was alright. cause it was. in my brain.
i thought i was fine, but then i looked at jess. and i think she knew that i wasn't. she offered to let me join her. and i thanked her :) smiled. and said maybe. i didn't want to do it with her, it was HER performance, something i haven't spent time on. didn't put the effort in. something i wasn't close to. this morning, she gave me the music. and i told her, sorta, that i wasn't gonna do it with her. not because i didn't want to. because i shouldn't. "kicking:" her out was hard enough. how could i have stand that i went back to square 1? back with jess, as if nothing happened? at recess, you guys were like, oh we're doing it! we're doing it! i didn't know why really. until kevin told sarah that he bought a ticket. maybe that was the reason? maybe it wasn't. maybe it was cause you guys felt guilty. about the fact that i really wanted to do it. again, i didn't realised the mistake i was taking until too late. at lunch you guys told me you were gonna back out again.
and finally. i cried. it wasn't yous fault, honestly!. it was cause i felt like it was my fault. my fault for dragging everyone in this. no body wanted to do it. they did it because of me. its all my fault.
today would probably be the day i've cried most. ever. since year 2. i'm in year 8 now. i've cried at lunch, in the bathroom, on the train in front of public, and even in my favourite place, the shower. its not about the fact that we can't do it. although i am! obviously.! but. its the fact that my hopes went up. my mum KNEW my hopes went up. and i told her today. she said its stupid. and cooked me noodles. :) so even when mithila told me that we could still uncross our name on the sheet. i walked away. because i knew. it was going to happen again. no matter what. what your heart's not in something. you won't WANT to do it. hearing myself, i'd probably regret this decision, because inside i really wanted to do it. but no. so i want to thank you. thank you to mithila, vinu, monique, erica, anne and sarah. for making that effort. the effort of at least trying to do something. even though in the end it didn't work out. it didn't have to work out. it was the thought and i got that. i'm just disappointed that in the end, you guys still didn't want the same thing as i did. and was worried that you'll stuff up. stuffing up didn't matter. we were there to have fun. i would've liked my mum and my dad to see us up there, because i knew we had the potential to have fun and be oh- so- awesome up there. but its alright. i won't say yes again. and i won't go to variety night. louise will go. and she can tell me all about it. i don't think i would want to watch.
so this blog, really. its not the tell everyone else how i feel, or to make anyone feel guilty. i guess its something i wanted to get off my chest. to just forget about it. and a blog to really thank from the bottom of my heart. to all the people who made an effort.
made an effort to make me happy. didn't matter whether it succeed or failed. its the thought that counted.
♥babyee
1:05 AM
1:05 AM